


Afterword

by yeaka



Category: Conker's Bad Fur Day
Genre: F/M, Ficlet, Fix-It, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2020-10-20 22:56:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20683319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeaka/pseuds/yeaka
Summary: King Conker gets a surprise.





	Afterword

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Because the real ending broke [ Brycemase, my fav LPer](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Orp5xtb_5U&list=PLfcejBUbhSFEO51_b_s_7JmqoyclaYu9C).
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own Conker’s Bad Fur Day or any of its contents, and I’m not making any money off this.

It’s been three days, and the storm’s still raging, as though the weather’s tapped right into Conker’s brain. The poor weather is echoing his mood—he doesn’t _want_ to be able to look through the tall windows of his throne room and see across his kingdom. There’s nothing for him in it anymore. Familiar routes have been blocked off and old pit stops have been burnt to the ground. Somewhere out there, his tattered little house might still be standing, but he can’t be bothered to walk all the way back to it. There’s no point. He drank everything he had in his cupboards there anyway. 

It doesn’t help that his new “staff” can’t make a decent drink to save their lives. The only thing they can serve with any competence is milk, but Conker’s not a cow—he needs _booze._ He’d take anything at this point. Vodka, whiskey, hell, he’d even take a watered down martini. His enormous castle, full of old acquaintances who somehow think they’re friends, is a shit place to be sober. His life’s a shit place to be sober. 

The grand doors at the end of the crimson carpet creak open, but Conker doesn’t bother looking over. He keeps his sullen seat on the steps that lead up to his throne. It’ll probably just be the two bumbling guards that occasionally give him “progress reports” on how little progress the land is seeing. 

He hears the click-clack of footsteps across the stone and only realizes when two black stilettos are right in front of him that that’s not the stumbling gait of his guards. His eyes trail up the dark boots, along trim calves, up curvaceous thighs, around plump hips, across a tiny waist, and finally, to an enormous pair of breasts.

Conker’s throat goes dry. He pushes up to his feet and finally meets his girlfriend’s eyes. She pushes her thin sunglasses up her forehead so he can see them. Her expression couldn’t be more bored, but her face has never been so beautiful. Somehow, Conker manages a choked, “_Berri_?”

“Like, duh,” she tells him, as though it’s incredibly obvious, even though he saw her die and held her cooling corpse. When he doesn’t say anything else, her hands drift to her hips, which jut out to one side. The attitude oozes off her, only adding to the charm. She’s still in the slick black outfit she died in. It hugs her in all the right places, clinging to curves and leaving nothing to the imagination. It makes it hard to think straight.

But he pushes through and gulps, “How? You... you died!”

“Yeah,” She sasses. “But, like, I’m this programmer guy’s _favourite_ character, so I came back.” He loves the way her lips smack when she says _back_. He loves her bratty voice. And he really, really loves looking at her. For the first time in way too long, he’s actually _happy_.

And horny. But he’s not going to ruin his chances at finally getting laid again by jumping straight to sex, so instead he starts with the feelings. “Berri, this is great! I missed you! We can be together again now, we can—”

“_Uh_, I don’t think so.”

Conker blinks. Berry flips her blond ponytail and sighs like he’s the dumbest person she’s ever met, which is saying something, given the idiots that share their kingdom. “Are you kidding me right now? You _totally_ forgot about me!”

“What? No, I didn’t—”

“I heard about everything, Conker! You could’ve wished me back, and you, like, didn’t!”

That’s totally true. Conker can feel his cheeks heating. He insists, “I didn’t mean to! I was just thinking about survival at that moment—I was gonna die! I... I’m sorry?” Berry looks completely unimpressed. Conker swallows. “I, uh... listen, Berri, I’m really, really sorry! But I’ll make it up to you!” She looks down her nose at him like he’s the scum of the Earth and couldn’t possibly have anything she’d want.

But he’s the king. And that comes back to him as he splutters, “I’ll buy you a new car! A real fancy one!”

“Hmph.”

“Okay, a new house!”

Her eyes narrow. He gulps again.

“How about... a part of the kingdom?”

“Half.”

“Huh?”

“Gimme, like, half the kingdom.”

Conker blinks dazedly at her. He can’t give up _half the whole kingdom._ Berri shifts her weight onto her other foot, and somehow, the new pose makes her chest stick out more. He feels like he can see her nipples straining against the fabric, or maybe it’s just a trick of the lighting. Either way, he can’t go without her. Having traversed the whole kingdom, he now knows Berri’s easily the hottest one in it, with the exception, perhaps, of the giantess who already refused to be with him. His only other option past that is a flower, and he’s not that desperate yet. 

Before he answers, Berri clarifies, “Like, I’m saying I want to be queen, dummy.”

“Queen?” For a split second, that sounds amazing. Then he realizes the commitment that means and reels back. “Whoa, hold on, nobody said anything about marriage—” 

“I just did.”

“Well, I didn’t!”

Berri shrugs like she couldn’t care less, then pats her tits. He watches them jiggle while she tells him, “Then I guess you don’t want to play with these ever again either.”

She drives a hard bargain. He doesn’t even have to think about it. With a groan, Conker agrees, “Okay, we’ll get married.”

“Perfect!” Just like that, she’s smiling. She looks hot as hell when she smiles, especially when she grins, having just gotten whatever she wanted. She even giggles, “Thank you, Conkery honey!” She opens her arms, and Conker doesn’t hesitate to run into them.

He tries to lift up on his toes to burry his face in her chest, but she quickly pulls away and wags a finger at him. “Nuh-uh-uh! No more for you until I get that ring!”

“But—”

Berri turns right around and marches right out. Which Conker doesn’t complain about, because he’s busy staring at her butt.

Right before she disappears through the heavy oak doors, he calls, “I’ll get you the biggest rock ever, baby!”

The doors close behind her, and Conker springs back to life.


End file.
